I walk away from a dinner with friends
and scold myself, because something in me says
No, don’t leave me alone
with the thoughts
in my head.
You know those days
you wake up and it’s the same ideas over and over
same stimulus patterns
same results. I travel down the well-worn path of
why are you upset?
Why did you react the way you did
Was it justified what was the solution
I have the answer.
why are you upset
why are we repeating ourselves?
How to stop the spinning
How to go to sleep
When nothing’s gone wrong and I know it
When I’m circling around the small things I could’ve done better
(Because I believe we can always get better)
Thinking Oh my god
Not this again
Keep on saying things out loud on accident
Surprised with their fervor.
(It is one of the best things about us, I think,
that there’s hope to always be better.)
I’m whirling around
And then I trip
Fall off the wheel
See the sky, the moon.
See people talking
Someone complaining about her friend
Someone demanding “Did you treat her right?”
Someone curled around her phone on a staircase
People cheering on a plaza
Someone swaggering with a friend, loose, baggy black clothes, saying
And I’ll say to myself,
what it was.
What tipping into that state feels like
Like standing very still at the bathroom window and
Finding that the city sparkles
Like seeing the moon reflecting the sunlight
Huge and forever away and larger than us all
Seeing that this isn’t about me, my own world
It’s about everyone’s own world,
About every single person
Who’s created a tiny
Who’s crafted these unfathomable universes
(with all of the care they could possibly muster)
Whose selves are poured into keeping them alive
we are the stories we tell ourselves,
and we are the centers of our stories.
The creators of immense complexity and beauty
And those days,
biking home in whichever country,
seeing what we have done
the houses and streets and lights
the history and creation and strength
Every single story, written every single day
ps, I don’t mean to worry people! Life’s excellent– it’s gotten busy, too, which is why my planned post about everything I’m up to has been a bit delayed :). This is just a post about random anxiety things, which I get every once in a while, but I think is interesting to talk and think about. Fingers crossed I’ll get to describe all of my projects I’m working on and all the cool things I’m learning this weekend, but it’ll probably be a Tuesday post with the way the deadlines are going :P. Thanks as always for reading!